Friends

New Faces

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 “Sometimes the people whom we’ve known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we’ve known forever.”

A couple of months ago, I journeyed to a new country with some new faces, and had the time of my life! Everything was so fun, easy-going, and chill. There was no drama, no complaining. I mean, I almost felt like these faces were not new after all because of how well things went. That’s even true for a group of women at the church I attend; every Sunday for the past couple of years, and I do mean every Sunday, about 7 of us literally laugh and talk about everything under the sun after service until they kick us out. And to be honest, I have sometimes felt more genuineness from these new faces than I do some of my old faces. Spending that short amount of time with different people once a week and even on vacation helped me to appreciate the wonderful people in my life; however, it also made me reevaluate some of the old faces that have been around for years.

Those experiences, along with a conversation with one of my friends definitely changed my perspective as it pertains to making new connections. Mainly because most of my leisure experiences usually include very familiar faces, and I also thought that my “making friends’ stage” of life was pretty much over and done with. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to call everyone in my life, and tell them that they’ve been replaced; because I do have some amazing people who I am connected to. However, I am finally accepting that sometimes you just need to change and/or expand your circle. Actually, I want to encourage everyone I know to either change or expand their circle as often as they see fit. I just believe that there is so much you can gain from healthy connections. And so what if you’ve only known this new face for a short amount of time, if they are contributing to your growth, then they should be added to your life with open arms; and those who aren’t should be dropped off.

A wise woman I know always says, “Your network is your net worth.” Meaning: We are truly the sum of the people that we have in our lives, and the ones that we choose to spend our time with. This is why we must always do a circle check, and make the necessary changes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with readjusting, because truthfully some of the old faces that we are trying so hard to keep around were just supposed to be in our lives temporarily.

We will end up avoiding so many obstacles, if we just stop spending so much precious time and energy on seasonal people. Giving out and pouring out, pouring out and giving out, and end up getting nothing in return. Wasting our time; and time is something that we can’t get back. We have to learn how to literally place people where they need to be in our lives. I expressed to my home-girl that entering another decade has definitely changed my perspective on a lot of things; especially relationships. When someone’s expiration date has arrived, I will start to do what’s necessary to close that door. Because it’s now time for me to start making room for some new faces.

My advice to you is to do the same. As we come to the end of this year, and 2017 resolutions are being drafted and vision boards are being created; start to take inventory of the faces in your life. Are they actually helping you to become a better person? Are they pushing you to reach your highest potential? Seriously ask yourself: Are these undercover haters or motivators? Do they discourage you or inspire you? Are they growing or standing still? What are they actually contributing to your life?

Life is too short, and time is too valuable to be spent on people that aren’t adding anything of significance to you. I’m not saying go fire all of your old faces, I’m just advising you to take a closer look at them. It may also be time for you to close some doors, and make room for some new faces.

“There are times when God has to change your circle, in order to change your life.”

~B.

new-faces

The Winner’s Circle

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A few months ago, I read a quote that said, “pay close attention to the people who don’t clap when you win.” And while I don’t think it’s a bad quote. . . it was just something about it that didn’t sit right with me.

I have literally watched the clips of Viola Davis and Regina King accepting their Emmy awards in September 2015 about 10 times a piece, and in each clip I could only pay attention to one person, Taraji P. Henson; she is clapping the loudest. The way she celebrates the wins for her girls is unreal nowadays! Taraji’s reaction was so heartwarming and genuine, especially for Viola because they were up for the exact same award; however she seemed excited just like she had won.

Watching those clips literally brought a little water to my eyes because I strive to be the exact same way when it comes to the people in my life. I do my very best to support them, and celebrate them, and brag on their every accomplishment; no matter how big or small it may seem.

Those clips, along with the past few years of my life have reassured me that it’s not worth my while to pay attention to the people who are not clapping. It’s in my best interest to give my energy to those who are cheering me on, and are making the efforts to ensure that I win.

Those who notice when I’m a little distant, so they shoot me a text message to check on me because they understand my mood swings. They notice the few times when I’m just standing still, and give me the pep talks I need to get motivated.

Those who notice when I’m silent, and instead of jumping to conclusions, or getting offended because I haven’t returned their call in a few days, they keep me in their thoughts and prayers because they know that I am secretly an introvert, and I just need to be recharged.

Those who recognize the greatness inside of me, and they give me an extra push me to the next step because they know that I’ve given my all pushing other people.

Those who are running this race with me, and when I slow down, they wait for me and encourage me to speed up. They help me to see it through to the end.

Those who don’t mind challenging my sometimes one-sided way of thinking, they help me see to the big picture. The ones who will go toe to toe with me in order to crush that petty desire to always be right.

Those who only want to see me win, and when I do, they pull out all the stops, the balloons, the cake, and the confetti to show me just how proud they are.

I am only concerned about the Winner’s Circle.

So many times, we waste our energy on people and things that won’t help us advance; or we start to be jealous of everyone else’s elevation. Remember, we become like the people we spend the most time with. If you are surrounded by winners, even if you haven’t won yet, hold on tight because your time is coming. This year, try to solely focus on the ones that are actually clapping for you. And then start clapping for them, and watch how things begin to work in your favor.

Read this next statement over and over until you get it on the inside: When you genuinely celebrate the people in your life, great things will start to happen to and for you.

The more I plant seeds of support, the more I celebrate and lift up the people in my life, the more wonderful things continue to happen for me. From the career advancements, to successful first dates. From receiving that college degree, to new house-warming parties. From getting married, to reaching weight loss goals. From welcoming a new baby, to leaving that comfortable 9 to 5 to start a new business venture. From paying off some major debt, to finally taking that dream vacation. I am so overjoyed with all the WINS that I’ve had a chance to celebrate within the past 12 months! So much can happen in a year, and my people have been truly making some major moves. When they win, I WIN.

The past 400 days have shown me just how important sowing seeds of support are; my circle, near and far, moved mountains for me. The sacrifice was something I didn’t know existed. From bridal showers, to my birthday, to Wonder Girl Weekend, to bachelorette festivities, to the wedding celebration, to post wedding vacations, to even looking out for my husband and my mother, the encouragement and the love has been overwhelming; my people took care of me. They made sure that Twenty Fifteen was one of the best years of my life!

Twenty Sixteen is the year that I vow to be as intentionally supportive as I possibly can. This year, I won’t just clap, I’m going to stand, clap, jump, ring my cow bell, blow my air horn, and yell their names to the top of my lungs! It is my desire that everyone connected to me wins.

Winners like to see other people win. So I will continue to be the person that gives the standing ovation any time someone in my circle reaches a milestone; and I encourage you to do the same. Be sure to volunteer to plan and host the celebration party, no matter how big or small!

I challenge each of you to make it a priority to invest in your circle. Let’s start sharing, promoting, and speaking highly of the people that we actually know personally. It is so imperative that you support and encourage the people in your life on a regular basis. I am really appreciative for everyone who’s apart of my Winner’s Circle, and I want to make sure they always know it.

~B.

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Help Me Level Up

/ britjames10 / 1 Comment

A few months ago, I read something that said:

“Be friends with people who force you to level up.”

Level Up (v.) is an action idiom, so that means the friends are forcing some type of action to take place. To me that quote means, be friends with people who force you to:  achieve, improve, excel, move forward, enhance, advance, be responsible, be accountable, be honest, be loyal, be better.

A few days ago, a friend of mine checked me. And I’m not talking about a beating around the bush/throwing shade kind of checking. I’m talking about a very direct, in your face “Brit you are wrong” type of checking. Now at first, I’ll admit. . .I was half-way ticked off. For about 2 minutes, I allowed my mind to GO THERE. “I mean, she has some kind of nerve coming at me, telling me that I was wrong. I’m not wrong, they are wrong. Like who does she think she is?! She’s supposed to be on my side anyway. She’s my friend. How dare she go against what I feel?!”

Then, during my morning meditation the next day, I started to think about how wonderful it is to have people in my life that aren’t afraid to be brutally honest with me. They will tell me the truth even if it means offending me. I am actually grateful to be connected with honest folks that don’t mind challenging me. I am blessed to have some “You are wrong Brit” people in my life. Because I have learned that it is that type of raw honesty that’s going to help me be real with myself; so that I can get rid of anything weighing me down in order to get to my next level. It is that type of friend that will be there to ensure that I level up.

So many times we are looking for those people that will say “You are always right.” The folks that know we are dead wrong, yet they will lie to us to make us feel better. We tend to want those people that will go along to get along. The people that will tell us what we want to hear, rather than what we need to hear. Not realizing that those types of people are actually holding us back.  They are the ones that are usually comfortable in their mess, so they do all they can to keep us satisfied so that we can keep them company. And honestly, they don’t love or care about us. Because when you love and care about someone, you are honest with them.

“If a friend isn’t pushing you forward, they are holding you back.”

One of my favorite quotes is, “The ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.” The older I get, the more I realize I need that honest-to-God truth. Honesty helps to build character. And whether I totally agree with my friend or not, I’m just glad that she loves and respects me enough to be honest with me. She cared enough to say what I’m sure some others may have been thinking. We need those friends who will be just like the car visor mirror, and help us to look deep inside and see every flaw and blemish that we thought we could hide with the filters of dishonesty, denial, and deception.

It is so important to have friendships that are deeper than gossiping and grabbing a few drinks. More than just social media posts and going out. We need friends that will bring balance and order to our lives.

In order to level up, we need those people who will hold us accountable, and help push and motivate us to do better. We need those people who won’t allow us to stay stuck, and be lazy or complacent. Those people who will tell us when we are falling back into some of our old habits; and then give us ways to recover.

We must have people we can share our fears and aspirations with. The ones who we can tell our business ideas and they have the faith to believe it. People we can share good news about our jobs or intimate relationships, and they not get jealous and start hating. Those friends that refuse to allow us to settle for less than we deserve.

It’s important to have friends that will attend church with you, and pray for you without you having to ask. I’m talking about the ones that won’t just discuss Empire and the Falcons game, but they will also have in-depth conversations about things that are spiritual and life-altering.

You must have friends who know exactly what to say, and also know when to say nothing at all.

Make sure you have that crew that will laugh and cry with you. The ones that will send you random text messages just to see how you’re doing. You need those people that will rearrange their schedules to be there for you, no matter the distance; even when it’s inconvenient for them.

Have friends you can take naps with, or even sit in silence and do nothing with; as well as the ones you talk to about any and every thing for hours at a time. You need people that will invite you to brunch, and pick up the tab. It’s good to have friends that will go see the midnight showing of the new Hunger Games movie, and travel around the world with you. And let’s not forget the ones that will not only work-out with you, but they will also help you meal prep.

Be thankful for the ones who will encourage you to budget, and help you develop vision boards for your life plans. You need those friends that will cheer you on, and celebrate your accomplishments.

Be sure to have those friends who support your life goals, and believe in your dreams. You need friends who you can look up too. Those positive influences who are inspirations to your life, and make you want to level up.

Surround yourself with people who make you a better person. And the next time you are in the presence of those friends, whether it be 2 or 10, be sure to tell each of them thank you. Make sure they know that you appreciate them for forcing you to level up; and that you are grateful for all that they add to your life.

~B.

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Flock Together!

/ britjames10 / 7 Comments

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)

Whoop, there it is!

This is another one of those scriptures that holds us accountable to one another. Just as friends can be bad influences, they can and should be good influences. I read a quote that said, “Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher.” Link up with people who are going to push you to do better, people who don’t mind challenging your way of thinking. Many times we choose to hang around people that we feel superior too. We pick friends that are always looking to us for the answers. We do those things because we enjoy being needed. We enjoy being the top dog, and the “President of the Clique.” We enjoy being the smartest one in the group. However, is that considered a healthy friendship? No, it’s not.

“Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

Friends feed off of each other. We must hang around people who are like-minded. Our friends don’t necessarily have to have the exact same goals or dreams; however, they do need to possess the same drive and passion when it comes to advancing to the next step. We need friends who are strong when we are weak, friends that don’t mind lifting us up when we’re experiencing a low place. We need friends that are smarter than us, we are not experts in everything; and being able to reach out to someone close to you for a solution is definitely a plus. Connect with people who have been there, done that and have the key chain and t-shirt to prove it. As friends we must be able to cheer each other on as we are making progress. If you hang around people who lack ambition, eventually your fire will begin to die down. However, if you hang around people who know how to make a plan and then execute it, then you will begin to do the same. “Surround yourself with people who reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel, energies are contagious!”

If you see a friend drowning, you would call for help, throw them a buoy, or better yet you would jump in and save them. Bottom line, you would do something. The same thing should apply when it comes to telling the truth. Truth is. . . sometimes the truth hurts, and most of the times we push honest people away. However, we must be friends with people who don’t mind putting us in check. Even if that means making us mad. You can’t be afraid to lose a friend because of the truth. If a friend walks out of your life because you were honest, then it was just their time to go. “The ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.” So many times in our friendship circles, we do each other a disservice because we won’t tell the truth; even about the smallest things. If the outfit doesn’t fit my body type, tell me. If my hair is looking busted, tell me. If I’m ashy, musty, crusty, tell me. If my Facebook status was out of line, tell me. If the picture I posted on Instagram made me look desperate, tell me. If I said something that hit below the belt and it hurt you, tell me. Just be honest. When I am wrong, let me know. . .don’t let me drown!

Accountability is a must. True friends bring out the best in each other. We need those friends that will check on us, and double-check on us to make sure we’re doing what we should be doing. We need those friends who refuse to celebrate in our weaknesses. We need those friends who won’t attend our unnecessary pity-parties. Those friends that will remind us of the goals we set, and that will commit to getting us there even when we don’t want to go. We need those friends to remind us of our new healthy lifestyle, and refuse to let us eat more than one slice of turtle cheesecake. We need those friends who refuse to let us settle for less than we deserve. Those friends who will not let us wallow in our mess. Those friends that won’t let us dwell on our past mistakes, instead they give us tips on how to move forward. We must be responsible for each other. We must look out for one another. We need to keep each other grounded. We need to keep each other focused.

You need friends that have your best interest at heart. You need friends that will pray for you without you having to ask them too, and vice versa. You need friends who will make wise decisions, and who will encourage you to do the same. You must surround yourself with people who inspire you. Connect with people who will push you to be the best version of you. Remember, “birds of a feather flock together.” Your friends are directly linked to your future; if your friends are the bomb.com, then you will be too!

~B.

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Birds Of A Feather. . .

/ britjames10 / 1 Comment

“Don’t be fooled: “Bad friends will ruin good habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

Point. Blank. Period. I could just stop right there.

This is one of those scriptures that punched me right in the stomach. Because come on, we all have friends that we know should do better, that we know could change, however they refuse too and we just won’t let them go. They are dragging us down, and frustrating us, and draining all of our energy, but we continue to spend our time with them. We spend our money on them. We hang out with them. We fix their problems. We make excuses for them. We tell ourselves that it’s not that serious. . . that as long as we are not participating in their bad habits, then it’s nothing wrong with being friends with them. WRONG.

My mom always said, “Association brings on assimilation.” You become who you hang around. It has been proven. The 5 people who you hang around the most, have the biggest influence over your life. And if we’re honest with ourselves, we can see the truth in that.

We all have spirits and energy that can be transferred to one another. That’s why if one of your friends is crying, you want to cry. Or if one of your friends is mad, you begin to get mad.  If one of your friends curses a lot, then chances are you will start sounding like a pirate soon. If one of your friends gossip all the time, then chances are you will begin to stay in other people’s business as well. If one of your friends is “Negative Nate or Debbie Downer” then chances are you will start to see your cup half empty.

It is a fact; birds of a feather flock together. It’s also a proven fact that spirits transfer. We are drawn to people with the same energy as us, kindred spirits. As humans, we like to be around other humans who are just like us. We like to feel needed. We are social creatures.

So check this: If you go hang out in the smoker’s lounge too long, 9 times out of 9 you will come out smelling like smoke; and other people will automatically assume that you’re a smoker whether you were actually smoking or not. . . Right? So that means if you don’t smoke, don’t go in the smoker’s lounge. It’s just that simple, we can’t get upset when people paint their own pictures of us; especially when we continue to give them the paint, the primer, and the brushes.

If you are practicing celibacy, you can’t hang out with people who like talking about their sex life all the time; because you will find yourself wanting to engage in sexual activities. You are trying to lose weight for the fourth time this year, but your friend is always offering you a Quarter Pounder with cheese; sooner or later you are going to take them up on that offer. You stopped drinking, but every weekend your friends are taking Jell-O shots and popping bottles; after a while you will be sipping as well.  And I know some of us like to get all deep and say that “We are Christians, and we know how to withstand temptation, we have self-control, we have will power. . .” and I agree, God is with you, and I’m glad you are living for Him, however your flesh is weak and to continue to put yourself in compromising situations that will only lead to dead ends is just crazy. You are asking for trouble. You’re playing with fire, and eventually you will get burned. If your friends are living a certain way or engaging in activities that are no longer good to you or for you, why would you continue to be around them?

People often come to me for advice about friendship, and most of the times I ask everyone these few questions:

  1. How are you benefitting from that person?
  2. Are they adding to you, or taking away from you?
  3. How is that person benefitting from you?
  4. What do they bring to the table?

If you have a friend who is selfish, and isn’t attempting to help you in any way, drop them. If they always have their hand out, and are taking away from you, drop them. If you are always doing for them, and you feel used, drop them. If they don’t add any value to your life, if they don’t encourage you to be a better person, drop them.

Stop tolerating that emotional abuse! Rid yourself of the leeches who are sucking you dry. People like that will do more harm than good.

Either you will change your friends, or your friends will change you. It’s no way around it. No matter how good you attempt to be, if you keep hanging around trash, you will start to stink. And nobody wants to be a hot, funky, moving mess.  So set yourself apart, and align yourself with people who are heading in the same direction as you. We can’t choose our family, however we can choose our friends. Choose wisely.

~B.

2014 hh